Last night I read my babies the story of Samson. They're not babies anymore so I was able to really tell them the story. For some reason this story has always stuck out to me. I guess you could say it's my favorite Bible story. Maybe it's because I connect to Samson, failing over and over, always seeming to just naturally gravitate to the wrong decision. Then as if that's not enough, I've even made the same mistake twice. I used to think every one had some good in them, so I was ignorantly determined to find it. Samson sees that Delilah can't be trusted, yet he still lets her trick him right in to telling her his deepest secret, making himself vulnerable to destruction. While I can't say I know how he felt, I know I definitely have an idea.
It hurts, obviously, but the sudden shock of it gives you this gut punch that knocks the breath out of you, leaving you off balance. It's such a difficult thing to swallow. You want to scream it out but there's not place for it to go. Then, the worst part of it all, the shame. The stupidity you feel is humiliating. Why on earth did I do that. I knew better. I was raised better. I didn't even want to. Just so many things go through your head. For a while I hated myself. I lived in hopelessness and stayed in a bad situation for years. I felt it was my punishment. Samson was humiliated, and he had gave up. He didnt even didn't fight back; Until he did.
How can he love me still? When I let everything go and I finally gave it to the Lord, I started to feel a lot of guilt. For years I had pushed away any thoughts that crept into my mind. I swallowed every piece of the bad, the disgusting, and the dark to make sure my daughter never even sensed it. Once I began to piece myself back together and find some type of normalcy, I was flooded with all these unfamiliar emotions. It was difficult for me to navigate. God had forgiven me, but I hadn’t. I kept feeling so unworthy. I remember being overwhelmed by his love for me. When I was at my lowest point and didn't deserve his love, he loved me still. All I had to do was ask for forgiveness. He blessed me with so much more than I’ll ever deserve. He gave me these gifts and used me for his works. I was thankful, but I also had it in my head "why me." I don't deserve this. When I would pray I wouldn’t even ask him for things my heart desired. Who was I to ask for anything? I knew I should just be thankful.
A few months later my uncle was preaching and he got to talking about blessings. He said that just like a parent, God likes to see us happy and thriving. There is nothing he can't do. He spoke the world into existence; he can surely speak peace and joy into our lives. Thinking of the things my uncle said, God showed something.
Think of someone you know that is just not a Good person, but has a good mom. Someone that you've had thoughts about that went something like this. “How did he turn out like that? He has such a good mommy!" Think of all the times that person has hurt his/her mother. Think of all the nights she has probably just cried and prayed.
... Now imagine that person changed. They finally woke up and gave it all to God. Now look at the mother's face. She's not upset thinking of all the pain and sleepless nights. Shes not yelling or rolling her eyes. She’s smiling and embracing her child. She doesn't care how he started, she’s just thankful that he's finishing right. She may think of the days she prayed for what she has now, but she will never hold it against him because she loves him still.
Prayer changes everything. We can and we should ask for help. When Samson finally cried out to God, he learned that no matter what he had done God hadn't turned his back on him. God knew Samson needed to be humbled. He knew exactly what Samson would do when he was. Even though it seems tragic, it was ultimately what was best for him because he gained the kingdom of Heaven.
When God was showing me this, the human in me began to think "what if." What if I'm not able to be a Christian? Before those thoughts had a chance to take over, he spoke to me. He said "it's already been written.
Samson was born to be special. He was destined to be a great protector for Gods people. When he strayed away from God he made a mess of things, just as we always do. There was no hope for him, and his life was over. Being tied up and blind, he was nothing more than entertainment for the Philistines. He had lost everything. It seemed impossible for him to redeem himself. No one saw what was coming. All he had to do was cry out to God. And that is when God spoke life back into him. I can just imagine God telling Samson that no man can take away the gifts he's given. No man can write your destiny. I can just hear his voice saying "Now rise up my beloved son, this battle has done been won." Samson then showed the world that all the physical strength possible, is nothing compared to spiritual strength. All the mistakes we make and all the times we stray, will never have any power to determine our destiny. Only God does.
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